Sunday, February 20, 2005

First Post: News From the Heavens

Hello to everyone from your favorite obese space captain! I have just created my very own Cosmos of Love blog extravaganza! Over the years I've fought many an alien conquerer, saved countless planets, and rescued thousands of ruffled scradfunts from clutches of the evil Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee, and it's been an amazing journey, but now I feel I must leave it all behind. The years of epic battling, endless heroics, and propane addiction have really taken their toll. So, faithful cadets, I've decided to retire to the civilian life and live life the way I've always wanted in peace and solitude. I've earned it haven't I? I mean wherever, there are children playing gayly on a beautiful summer day, wherever there are people living peacefully without the threat of war, wherever there are people eating Pizzaria Pretzel flavored Combos(tm) snacks and watching Vietnamese potbellied pig porn(tm) and not dying of malaria and bird flu it's all thanks to me. So here it is my Cosmos of Love! This is Captain Walrus of the Cosmos signing off! And remember faithful cadets never ever drink highly pressurized liquid propane. God hates propane addicts and he says so in the Bible.

posted by Tom Landry: War Hero @ 4:10 PM 

3 Comments:

Blogger THE Justin Dudley whose Century is HIS said...

We meet again!

Tis been a long time... I hope you have been successful in your journeys.

I look foreward to hearing from you! What stories you must have!

Sincerely,

Captain Shrimpstain

P.S.

Kevin is a douchebag

6:52 PM CST  
Blogger Tom Landry: War Hero said...

Captain Shrimpstain!

How are you? God, what's it been, 20 years? As i remember we first crossed paths during the sea battle of Gonstabb8 where we were fighting the goatlegged pygmy jellyfish pirates over the vast vault of Pentavian foot fetish porn we found buried in a deep sea cave. Remember how we sneaked away during the heat of battle to huff propane and when we finally stumbled back to the fight it just happened to be at the point of victory and we ended up taking all of the credit? Or how i promised to split the loot with you 50/50 and told you that your half was in a "broom closet" and when you stepped in i slammed the door and locked it and you found out that it was actually an extremely dangerous abandoned nuclear weapons storage vault with a time released lock that would only open 20 years later? Man those were good times. So what have you been doing since I last saw you?

7:12 PM CST  
Blogger THE Justin Dudley whose Century is HIS said...

ha ha!

I never thanked you for doing that to me, so now I am! I could say that I spent those years twenty surviving off of my own toenails and sapping the water molecules from my urine through my Joe Foreman Hydro-Molecular Water Sapping Urine Distiller, but fate dealt me a different hand! After tunneling my way into the depths of the chamber, I discovered a space portal that warped me into a different reality... a world full of celestial black virgins where I spent the following 25 years having more sex than a Tiberceten Bullhampster in a room full of 30,000 Kilgore V Tinitian SuckPuggling prostitutes! Every day I would feast on steak, pineapple, Cajun blackened chicken, and black pussy... washing it all down with Don Peregnon, Ginger Ale, and vaginal juices.

I shall return to this paradise one day... as soon as I rid myself of this nasty case of Herpes. Turns out one of the "virgins" just so happened to be about as loose as a jello mold after being obliterated by a speeding mack truck.

I killed her

Sincerely,

Captain Shrimpstain

PS

Kevin is still an unbearable douchebag

8:15 PM CST  

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