Faithful cadets, below are two emails that I recently received and my responses.
From:
Hot4Yanni@hotmail.comCaptain Walrus,
It is I... Yanni.
I have recently been made aware that you have apparently used my image to convey an apparent plastic surgery change for a Dr. Puddingchairwhateverhisnameis. I am deeply offended by this and I demand that you remove my images at once! I am much too important, and have slept with way too many toothless old women, mental invalids, and hairy obese Greek powerlifters to be slandered in such a way! Remove my pictures, or I shall sue you! I have also been beaten 13 times as a result of that post you made, you stupid poopy face!, and have been forced into hiding. You made Yanni cry, you big meanie head! That's only supposed to happen when I experience the awe inspiring, utopian atmosphere of mind numbing mediocrity that only I can create through my music. You will pay for this, and you will pay dearly.
Yours Yannishly,
Yanni
Mr. Yanni,
I am deeply aggrieved that my post has offended you in such a way, and am utterly apalled by the things that have happened to you, but I must point out to you and to those well meaning but nonetheless mistaken individuals who so... uh.... needlessly assaulted you that I have not, nor will I ever under threat of castration with a dull rusty spoon, post any images of you on my beloved Cosmos of Love. The images to which you are referring are images of the newly surgically altered evil Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee and not you so there is no need for your understandable but none the less outrageous name calling. Oh, and in reference to your threat, I've faced men with twice your stature and four times your influence and turned them into twisted masses of Arkturian slunkmeat. So try me, sir, if you so dare.
Best wishes to you and your mentally deficient fan base,
This is Captain Walrus signing off!
From:
chippersonangusandstinkylawfirm@hotmail.comCaptain Walrus,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Snedley Chipperson, Attorney for Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee and it is my duty to inform you that if you do not cease this ridiculous slander against my client, we will be forced to file a lawsuit against you and Blogger.com for what could be a considerable amount of space dollars. Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee has been more than patient, allowing these attacks to "roll off of his lab coat sleeve" so to speak but your recent post entitled "Evil Has a New Face, Chiseled and Greek" crossed a definite line. While he is quite perturbed that you have accused him of the murder of his DEAR friend the Midnight Viagra, he is even more irate at the fact that you have posted pictures of Yanni's face transposed on Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee's body! While it is true that the Doctor did indeed undergo recent plastic surgery, he considers it an absolute insult of the worst kind to have been compared in any way shape or form, to that ghastly Yanni creature!In conclusion, if you do not wish to have a definite lawsuit on your hands, we demand that you take down all picture's of Yanni/the Doctor, apologize for your slanderous comments, and confess to the murder of Dr. Puddingchairpandmcgee.
Yours Legally,
Snedly Chipperson Ph.d
Chipperson, Angus, and Stinky... Attorneys at Law
P.S. - Isn't it interesting that you, a retired space cadet, still get top secret/classified reports from the IGCSAIPAFPR? I believe our case agianst you is solid, Mr. WalrusMr. Chipperson,
I sir, am aghast that you would represent such a dastardly and
proven criminal. Not only is he currently a wanted fugitive for his escape from prison, but the evidence against him for the murder of The Midnight Viagra is irrefutable. As for my correspondence with the IGCSAIPAFPR, as the former senior officer of their intergalactic law enforcement division, I am entitled to receive highly classified bulletines from them even in retirement if I so choose. In regards to your legal threat I must ask you a question. Have you ever heard of the dynamic legal team of Edward, Duff, & Cochran? If not then surely you have at least heard of Johnny "The Ebony Hammer" Cochran. Surely you wouldn't dare to square off against the likes of him, but if you'd like to try it then I say bring it on, sir. Just be prepared to be sent home wailing like the spoiled little whelps you are. You sir, are a disgrace to our sacred legal system.
Until the day when I can publicly spank you in court,
This is Captain Walrus signing off!
P.S.- It is patently absurd that you should demand that I confess to the murder of an individual who you are
currently representing and threatening to take me to court against. Though, if that is any indication of your potency in the courtroom, perhaps i won't even need to bother with representation.
