Faithful Cadets, several days days ago one of the greatest heroes of our generation took his own life. On March 9th at 8am authorites found our beloved Cap'n Shrimpstain on the floor of his Beverly Hills mansion in a pool of vomit and brandy with a string of bratwursts wound firmly around his neck. The whole situation seems to have been sparked by the departure of his wife, Maude Shrimpstain, who left because the good Cap'n had yet again forgotten their anniversary. In a few short days I will be taking over the administration of his blog and will turn it into a memorial to his brave heroic exploits. The funeral was scheduled to be held 2 days ago but his body has strangely gone missing from the morgue. Authorities are investigating the case and I will keep you all posted on the developments as I get them. I will miss my dear friend and wish him the best as he sails the heavenly seas in the pursuit of justice, the universes smoothest sipping brandy, and the hottest of Gaftorian slidge porn. We all loved you buddy and you'll be sorely missed. I'd like to close this with bit of free verse poetry that was found scrawled on a bar napkin near his body.
Until next time,
This is Captain Walrus signing off!!
Why Do Puppies Cry?
By: Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain
Why Do Puppies Cry?
Perhaps they mourn the loss of innocence
Maybe they are hungry and crave their mother's milk
Maybe they yearn to be held and loved
Maybe they miss a departed loved one
Perhaps they feel that they've lived an incredible life and done icredible things, but some two-bit posing ass clown got all of the notoriety and acclaim while they had to retire to a life of near obscurity selling lawnmowers, and subsequently became incredibly wealthy and successful, but never felt that sense of approval and self-worth that they've always craved, always living in the shadow of their beloved yet nonetheless overblown colleague, then they had to endure the loss of the one person who held all of the fragile pieces together and were forced to live as a shattered broken mess.
Maybe that's why they cry. It's certainly the reason I'm wrapping these sausages around my neck and ending my meaningless life you ungrateful cocksucking bastards that call yourselves my friends and fans (Haiku Master excluded. You were the only one who cared). So farewell you assholes and may you all burn in hell!!
