Faithful Cadets, at long last I have returned glorious and triumphant! Long has it been since my last post, about 13 lifecycles of the mugwumps of Burroughsia by my count (about 5 Earth months), and so much has happened since then. Some of it you know about: the deaths of both Captain Bosworth Shrimpstain and the Midnight Viagra, galant heroes cut down in their prime, and The legal battle with my long time arch nemesis the nefarious Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee, which as you will see was the start of the long exile from my beloved Cosmos of Love. To make a long story short I was accused and, due to the mysterious death of my unstoppable lawyer of steel Johnnie "Shrinking Glove" Cochran, subsequently convicted of both slander and lible against the evil doctor and forced to pay an amount of money beyond my means. I was emotionally and financially destitute. Once the money was gone it didn't take long for that money grubbing whore Taffy Hodboddy to pack her bags and scamper off like an Aardrosian musk gopher to a greener lettuce patch. I was forced into fast food servitude just to make ends meet, and susequently became a Subway Sandwich Artist. That was 4 weeks of humble pie served cold with curdled milk that i never want to experience again. It ultimately culminated in my termination resulting from my bludgeoning to death an elderly woman with a foot long chicken bacon ranch on honey oat bread with pepper jack cheese, all the veggies except bell peppers, and oil, with creamy Italian and ranch dressing. I spent many long weeks wallowing in the refuse strewn about my beloved PMS Arthritic Badger, and the refuse strewn about my battered psyche with nothing but the soothing nectar that is George Dickel's Genuine Tennessee whisky(thank
you Haiku Master!) to keep me warm. Ahhh George Dickel, that bastard Jack Daniel stole your thunder and glory, but one day we shall rise up and take it back!!!! We shall take it back...... Anyway while i was wallowing in my stye of drunkenness and self loathing i stumbled across a sagely tome that turned my life around. It's called
Dr. Chef Waldo FlortzblarggenMcgaffdonkin-Yang's 87 Ways to Prepare Molding Shag Donkeys and How to pull Yourself Out of a Deep Selfloathing Depression and Once Again Fight to Rid the Universe of Tyrrany and Injustice: Pocket Edition.
And now thanks to the teachings and delicious recipes of Dr. Chef Waldo FlortzblarggenMcgaffdonkin-Yang I am now on the fast track to recovery and am ready to jump back into the frey as they say and hunt down the scourge that is Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee and fight against injustice in memory of my friends, mentors, and esteemed colleagues Cap'n Shrimpstain and The Midnight Viagra! So.....
Until next time
This is Captain Walrus signing off!!!
