More Cinematic Glorification of a Bonafide Hero Hack

Faithful cadets, it has come to my attention that they are preparing to release another movie about that third rate charlatan, Superman. It's an absolute outrage! First off, I thought he was dead, and I mean the actual "hero" not the actor that played him in the first string of movies. ( I was a fan of Christopher Reeve, and I especially loved his portrayal of It Zwibble in Earthday Birthday.) What I mean is that I thought that that weakling Doomsday finally exposed that steroided boyscout for the fraud that he was. I know this is probably very shocking to all of you to hear me saying such horrible things about the most beloved hero of all time, but most of you have no idea just how corrupt or just how much of a pompous, fame-whoring, egotistical asshead he is.


Here he is! Fame whore extraordinaire!

Just ask anyone who's worked with him. Everyone hates him. Except Wonder Woman of course, they were always sneaking off to Wonder Woman's apartment to do a bit of "heroic sparring", which contrary to what a certain mall-centric movie may have led you to believe, did not prove to be fatal for her. ( Just take a look at all of the patched holes in the ceiling and walls to find out how they got around that little dilemma.)

"Why yes, I am a tramp! "



Basically Superman is only ever there to have his picture taken and to steal the attention away from the real heroes. He sits around and waits for other heroes to wear down any trouble makers and then he comes whooshing in without so much as a hello just in time to finish off the villain (usually with one well placed punch, which by that time can be achieved by a toddler) and then lands flashing his perfect smile to all of the gathering media and takes all of the credit for the entire battle. He never could hold his own against a real foe as his fatal battle with Doomsday illustrated, though he magically returned from the dead some time later so I can only assume that the whole thing was just another one of his attention soliciting publicity stunts. Oh, and did I mention that our "beloved all-American hero" was also a communist spy during the cold war? You may not believe it, but it's true! I have photographic proof! So please for the love of all that is good and heroic DO NOT go see this new piece of blatant over-glorification. If you simply must see it, do so only for Kevin Spacey's portrayal of Lex Luthor, and let's hope together that this time he triumphs over our mutual nemesis and puts his fraudulent saga to bed for good!

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

But that doesn't mean you have to watch him!

My God, Has it Been 2 Months?

Faithful cadets, I'm back! Sorry about the swift and sudden departure, but surely if you've been within a yard of a television set you'll know the reason for absence from my beloved Cosmos of Love. I'm speaking, of course of my record breaking intergalactic tour with the mariachi band Falo Gigantesco De La Energía and our quintuple platinum selling album Capitán Walrus del cosmos y del sombrero el ofrecer Falo Gigantesco De La Energía. After our wildly successful tour of the Boise nightclub circuit the calls came pouring in requesting performances all across the universe! We smashed records for ticket sales at all of our epic concerts and soon our beloved fans were crying out for a copy of our groundbreaking music conveniently packaged on compact disc. At first we refused, fearing that an album might harm our ticket sales, and the result was disastrous! Our ticket sales did not decline (quite the opposite actually), but soon after, concert bootlegs started to appear by the thousands and people were paying phenominal amounts of money to get their hands on them! Now i'm not a greedy man by any means, but let's face it bootlegs are illegal, and that i cannot stand for! So, to stem the flow of illegal bootlegs we released our own official album, and it was a rousing success! It went triple platinum in the first two and a half minutes! Well, may faithful cadets, i am weary from my musical exploits and must retire to my new $6.5 million bed in new $17 billion estate. Take care, and I'll fill you in on the meatier details of the last few months tomorrow.

Until then,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

Boise + Captain Walrus + Sombrero+ Mariachis = Partay!!!

Faithful cadets, I feel amazing! I've just come back from touring the Boise nightclub circuit with my new friends, Pico DeLaPuta and Miguel TestículosDelCalamar of the mariachi band, Falo Gigantesco De La Energía, and man, was it ever fun! We performed from sun-up to sun-down at some of Boise's hottest night spots. It was just us, tres amigos, with nothing but our sombreros, our guitars, and all the tequila we could drink schmoozing it up in the hottest clubs with the hottest girls Boise had to offer. I must admit that I thought Boise and well, Idaho in general, was full of nothing but potatoes and farmfolk who only concerned themselves with tractors and good ol' family values and knew nothing of wild orgiastic nightlife. Boy was I ever wrong! I must say that Boise was fantastic, and there was nary a potato-farming bumpkin in sight! We (me and my spectacular sombrero) even made the cover of People Magazine! Well I'm gonna go for now. The hombres and I have some of Boise's finest young coeds waiting for us in the "Swingers Lounge" aboard my beloved P.M.S. Arthritic Badger that urgently need our attention.

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!


Me and my Hombres jamming on Boise's main drag


My sexy sombrero and I on the cover of People

PS: I also picked up Cap'n Shrimpstain in response to his e-mail, and returned him home. Too bad he didn't want to stay for the party!

PPS: I heart Boise!

PPPS: I love my sombrero!

Good riddance to bad rubbish, and CNN loves my new HAT!

Faithful cadets, Stan "The Can" Marino is gone along with several million dollars of the Cap'n Shrimpstain Estate's money, one of the Cap'ns luxurious cars, and most importantly his ridiculous crusade to put me in prison. The FBI returned all of my belongings to me today including my computer (sorry Moscow Karl, you dirty red commie), and informed me that the investigation has been dropped. So now I can get back to hunting down my arch nemesis Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee who I suspect along with his band of thugs was responsible for the Cap'n's disappearance. On an unrelated note, CNN interviewed me about my hat, and they, along with the massive crowd it drew, loved it! Check this out!

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

I Bought a Hat!!!!

Faithful cadets, I'm giddy as a schoolgirl right now! Do you want to know why? I'll tell you why. I bought a hat! A big beautiful sombrero hat from Mexico of all places! Oh, and it's a wonderful hat with gorgeous embroidery, and sequins! Man, you've gotta see the sequins! They're just so glittery. I love sequins, and you know what? I love this hat. I think I could probably wear this hat just about every day, and probably will. I'll probably even sleep in it, or perhaps maybe I won't. It would probably get wrinkled and some of the sequins might fall off. I Think I'd cry if the sequins fell off, and let me tell you, sirs and ladies, it takes a lot to make me cry. I didn't even cry for The Midnight Viagra or Admiral Benton P. Shrimpwhatzitz......... I had something to say about him, but I can't remember. I do, however, remember that I bought a hat and I loooooove it! I also bought several bottles of tequila, but those are gone now. I still have my sombrero, though! I love my sombrero! Anyway, I'm gonna go look at my hat now.

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!



PS: Cheer with me! H-A-T hat! hat! hat! I bought a hat! hat! hat! Look at my hat! hat! hat! I love my hat! hat! hat!

PPS: Oh yeah now I remember! I got this email today. I'm going to check it out when I'm done looking at my hat!

Captain Walrus...

It is truly me, Cap'n Shrimpstain. I am alive and well, though sadly I am stuck here in Boise, Idaho. I need help immediately. My estate is not answering my calls, I can't get into my blog, and I have no money. I can't get back to Beverly Hills and I'm going absolutely insane! I've been through a terrible, terrible ordeal and I wish to discuss it with you. You seem to be the only dear friend I have left.

Sincerely,
Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain
Boise, Idaho

PPPS: Hat!

So Maybe I Was Wrong.....

Faithful cadets, I believe apologies are in order to a certain spectral entity that was the subject of my last post. Remember that story I posted? Turns out it never happened. I just got back from my monthly session with my hypnotherapist, Mudgor The Mind-Melder, and through intense hypnotic regression therapy we discovered that the whole thing was just a bizarre hallucination brought on by a near fatal propane overdose. Those blazing red eyes that i saw were apparently a pair of blinking red stoplights. The rest of it? The creation of my poor volatile gas riddled brain. What I neglected to mention before is that I awakened from the whole episode in the middle of a busy intersection to angry honking and a very stern looking West Virginia state trooper knocking on my window. I guess that's what happens when "going out for dinner" means purchasing 3 propane tanks from Lowe's and inhaling the entire contents in the parking lot. So this is me eating a huge slice of humble pie and extending my apologies to Mothman, and to all of you, my faithful cadets.

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

PS: Mothman, I must inform you that though I was wrong about this particular event, I must leave you on my villains list for certain terrifying personal habits that you have. I'm sure you understand.

An Old Nemesis Resurfaces in Pennsylvania

Faithful cadets, while searching for friends and maybe more on Myspace last night I was greeted by a most unpleasant surprise. I found the profile of my arch nemesis from Point Pleasant, Mothman! Many years ago I shared a most unpleasant experience with everyone's favorite fiery eyed harbinger of doom, no not the 43rd president of the United States ye of the shrunken attention spans, I am of course still speaking of Mothman. Here is an account of what happened:

One fateful January evening on one of my many recon missions on planet earth, I was driving my trusty orange Pinto Earth transport. When in the murky blackness I saw a set of firey red eyes blazing like the midday sun hovering in the middle of the roadway. They were as big as Earthly dinner plates, and I could not peel my eyes away! Suddenly I blacked out. I came to moments later to hear my com link beeping, and when I engaged it I heard a raspy metallic voice that sounded vaguely like my deceased adopted grandmother when she's had a bit too much of the jack daniel's on the line repeating "28....28" over and over again. I turned off my com link puzzled as to why my dead grandmother would be calling me at such a late hour, but soon my puzzlement faded and was replaced by another sensation.....hunger. I was starving! I put the pedal to the metal as they say on earth and soon I arrived at a 24 hour Mcdonald's where I ordered a number 4 super sized with extra pickles and no mustard. I drove off down the road tearing open the box that my savory double quarter-pounder with cheese was housed in when a most horrific sight blighted my eyes. My delicious sandwich was void of pickles and drowned in mustard, and when i raised my tear filled eyes to the flashing bank sign across the street I saw that it was exactly.......28 degrees outside!

No one messes with my double quarter pounder with cheese, Mothman! And now that I know where you live, it's only a matter of time. Your day of reckoning is at hand!

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!




Vengeance will be mine Mothman!!!!

Intoxication, The Green Fairy, and the Preserved Head of AL Franken in a Jar

Faithful Cadets, first I must apologize for my last post. I was extremely depressed that night having been shot down by a buxom young beauty in my favorite Parisian night spot L'Homme D'Allaitement Obèse De Tortue, and I had been dabbling a bit too much with the green fairy (no not the Great Gazoo) I'm speaking, of course, of absinthe that wonderful drink that was known to make certain notable 19th century artists cut off their ears and sell them to prostitutes. In any case I assure you all that from now on I'll be clean and sober when making all posts in the future. On a lighter note you may remember that I made an appearance with Al Franken a little while back. Well I've finally got that transcript for you. Here it is, enjoy!




Al: Welcome back to the Al Franken Show here on Air America Radio. I'm sure that many of you are aware of the recent controversy surrounding the death of umm... uhh... Captain Bosworth... *rumaging through papers* geez, what's his name? Shirtstain? Bosworth J. Shirtstain? What kind of a name is that? I'll be honest, I don't really even know who the guy was... some kind of space hero or something. Anyway, I DO, however, know the name of our next guest... the famed space legend Captain Walrus. Welcome to the show Captain.

Me: Glad to be here Al.

Al: So tell me... what are you wearing?

Me: A negligee Al, and black stockings that would make your SNL alumnus mouth water like it would if I presented you with a platter full of pure Colombian cocaine!

Al: Oooh, you're making me jump out of my jar!

Me: ha, ha

Al: So, Captain... tell me... what's going on? Who is this Bosworth Shirtstain guy, and why is Bill O'Liely and Stan Marino trying to destroy you?

Me: Well Al, it boils down to this: hero envy. Stan "The Can" Marino recently outed as Zander Schloss former bass player for the horrible punk band The Circle Jerks wanted to take away from me the notoriety and adoration that he never had, because his band never made it big. Bottom line.

Al: And what about Bill "I Hate the Pope" O'Liely?

Me: *chuckles* Well he just hates anyone born with the gifts of logic and reason. Tell him anything other than what he wants to hear and he's liable to start a witch hunt against you.

Al: Or sexually harass you.

Me: *laughs* Too true.

Al: But seriously, don't you think that it goes deeper than that?

Me: I'm not following.....

Al: What I mean to say is, obviously someone as astute as you must surely see that it has all the earmarks of rightwing conspiracy. A conspiracy that goes all the way to the top.

Me: I'm still not quite with you....I mean I don't think...

Al: Come on man! Dirge W. Boosche! Obviously he's the mastermind!

Me: The Emperor? What would he have against me? I mean, yeah I don't like him but I've never even met him.

Al: C'mon Captain, it's clear as day. He hates the Pope just like O'reilly!

Me: And?

Al: And....Isn't it true that Pope Chuck II married you at 23 of your weddings including your most recent one, AND that he's a close personal friend?

Me: Well yeah....but if that's the case, why doesn't he just have the Pope executed, he is the emperor of the universe after all, and how does Stan Marino fit in?

Al: Well I'm sorry but that's all the time we have! Thanks for being on the show, Captain Walrus and don't be a stranger!

Me: Uh.... thanks. I won't


And that's all. Worth the wait wasn't it? Well....

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!