Faithful cadets, it has come to my attention that they are preparing to release another movie about that third rate charlatan, Superman. It's an absolute outrage! First off, I thought he was dead, and I mean the actual "hero" not the actor that played him in the first string of movies. ( I was a fan of Christopher Reeve, and I especially loved his portrayal of
It Zwibble in
Earthday Birthday.) What I mean is that I thought that that weakling
Doomsday finally exposed that steroided boyscout for the fraud that he was. I know this is probably very shocking to all of you to hear me saying such horrible things about the most beloved hero of all time, but most of you have no idea just how corrupt or just how much of a pompous, fame-whoring, egotistical asshead he is.
Here he is! Fame whore extraordinaire!Just ask anyone who's worked with him. Everyone hates him. Except
Wonder Woman of course, they were always sneaking off to
Wonder Woman's apartment to do a bit of "heroic sparring", which contrary to what a certain
mall-centric movie may have led you to believe, did not prove to be fatal for her. ( Just take a look at all of the patched holes in the ceiling and walls to find out how they got around that little dilemma.)
"
Why yes, I am a tramp! "
Basically Superman is only ever there to have his picture taken and to steal the attention away from the real heroes. He sits around and waits for other heroes to wear down any trouble makers and then he comes whooshing in without so much as a hello just in time to finish off the villain (usually with one well placed punch, which by that time can be achieved by a toddler) and then lands flashing his perfect smile to all of the gathering media and takes all of the credit for the entire battle. He never could hold his own against a real foe as his fatal battle with Doomsday illustrated, though he magically returned from the dead some time later so I can only assume that the whole thing was just another one of his attention soliciting publicity stunts. Oh, and did I mention that our "beloved all-American hero" was also a communist spy during the cold war? You may not believe it, but it's true! I have
photographic proof! So please for the love of all that is good and heroic DO NOT go see this new
piece of blatant over-glorification. If you simply must see it, do so only for
Kevin Spacey's portrayal of Lex Luthor, and let's hope together that this time he triumphs over our mutual nemesis and puts his fraudulent saga to bed for good!
Until next time,
This is Captain Walrus signing off!
But that doesn't mean you have to watch him!
