Tons More Blog For All of You Walrusphiles!

Faithful cadets, Today I was officially given authority to take over the administaration of our beloved Cap'n Shrimpstain's blog by the executor of his will, Wally the Tap Dancing Wombat Attorney at Law. I've been sitting here for hours pondering exactly what I would do with our dearly departed cap'n's blog. How could I best commemorate his lifetime of heroic adventures? Then my gaze landed on a case of my special monogrammed edible ladies under garments, and it hit me. I have tons of personal possesions that are just taking up space on my beloved PMS Arthritic Badger that my droves of fans would just love to have, and now I have the perfect place to put them up for sale! It's exactly what he would have wanted! So here it is! I proudly present Captain Walrus's Cosmos O' Crap! Let the buying begin!

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

The Universe Loses a Great Hero

Faithful Cadets, several days days ago one of the greatest heroes of our generation took his own life. On March 9th at 8am authorites found our beloved Cap'n Shrimpstain on the floor of his Beverly Hills mansion in a pool of vomit and brandy with a string of bratwursts wound firmly around his neck. The whole situation seems to have been sparked by the departure of his wife, Maude Shrimpstain, who left because the good Cap'n had yet again forgotten their anniversary. In a few short days I will be taking over the administration of his blog and will turn it into a memorial to his brave heroic exploits. The funeral was scheduled to be held 2 days ago but his body has strangely gone missing from the morgue. Authorities are investigating the case and I will keep you all posted on the developments as I get them. I will miss my dear friend and wish him the best as he sails the heavenly seas in the pursuit of justice, the universes smoothest sipping brandy, and the hottest of Gaftorian slidge porn. We all loved you buddy and you'll be sorely missed. I'd like to close this with bit of free verse poetry that was found scrawled on a bar napkin near his body.

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!!

Why Do Puppies Cry?
By: Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain

Why Do Puppies Cry?
Perhaps they mourn the loss of innocence
Maybe they are hungry and crave their mother's milk
Maybe they yearn to be held and loved
Maybe they miss a departed loved one
Perhaps they feel that they've lived an incredible life and done icredible things, but some two-bit posing ass clown got all of the notoriety and acclaim while they had to retire to a life of near obscurity selling lawnmowers, and subsequently became incredibly wealthy and successful, but never felt that sense of approval and self-worth that they've always craved, always living in the shadow of their beloved yet nonetheless overblown colleague, then they had to endure the loss of the one person who held all of the fragile pieces together and were forced to live as a shattered broken mess.
Maybe that's why they cry. It's certainly the reason I'm wrapping these sausages around my neck and ending my meaningless life you ungrateful cocksucking bastards that call yourselves my friends and fans (Haiku Master excluded. You were the only one who cared). So farewell you assholes and may you all burn in hell!!

Another Hero Falls

Faithful Cadets, it's official Cap'n Shrimpstain was found on the floor of his mansion today dead from an apparent suicide. I'll post more info as I get it.


Until then,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

From our first date at one of my newly acquired Motel 6's. Thank you Haiku Master!

Disgruntled Elevator Musicians and Frivolous Legal Threats

Faithful cadets, below are two emails that I recently received and my responses.

From: Hot4Yanni@hotmail.com

Captain Walrus,

It is I... Yanni.

I have recently been made aware that you have apparently used my image to convey an apparent plastic surgery change for a Dr. Puddingchairwhateverhisnameis. I am deeply offended by this and I demand that you remove my images at once! I am much too important, and have slept with way too many toothless old women, mental invalids, and hairy obese Greek powerlifters to be slandered in such a way! Remove my pictures, or I shall sue you! I have also been beaten 13 times as a result of that post you made, you stupid poopy face!, and have been forced into hiding. You made Yanni cry, you big meanie head! That's only supposed to happen when I experience the awe inspiring, utopian atmosphere of mind numbing mediocrity that only I can create through my music. You will pay for this, and you will pay dearly.

Yours Yannishly,
Yanni



Mr. Yanni,

I am deeply aggrieved that my post has offended you in such a way, and am utterly apalled by the things that have happened to you, but I must point out to you and to those well meaning but nonetheless mistaken individuals who so... uh.... needlessly assaulted you that I have not, nor will I ever under threat of castration with a dull rusty spoon, post any images of you on my beloved Cosmos of Love. The images to which you are referring are images of the newly surgically altered evil Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee and not you so there is no need for your understandable but none the less outrageous name calling. Oh, and in reference to your threat, I've faced men with twice your stature and four times your influence and turned them into twisted masses of Arkturian slunkmeat. So try me, sir, if you so dare.

Best wishes to you and your mentally deficient fan base,
This is Captain Walrus signing off!


From: chippersonangusandstinkylawfirm@hotmail.com

Captain Walrus,

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Snedley Chipperson, Attorney for Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee and it is my duty to inform you that if you do not cease this ridiculous slander against my client, we will be forced to file a lawsuit against you and Blogger.com for what could be a considerable amount of space dollars. Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee has been more than patient, allowing these attacks to "roll off of his lab coat sleeve" so to speak but your recent post entitled "Evil Has a New Face, Chiseled and Greek" crossed a definite line. While he is quite perturbed that you have accused him of the murder of his DEAR friend the Midnight Viagra, he is even more irate at the fact that you have posted pictures of Yanni's face transposed on Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee's body! While it is true that the Doctor did indeed undergo recent plastic surgery, he considers it an absolute insult of the worst kind to have been compared in any way shape or form, to that ghastly Yanni creature!In conclusion, if you do not wish to have a definite lawsuit on your hands, we demand that you take down all picture's of Yanni/the Doctor, apologize for your slanderous comments, and confess to the murder of Dr. Puddingchairpandmcgee.

Yours Legally,
Snedly Chipperson Ph.d
Chipperson, Angus, and Stinky... Attorneys at Law

P.S. - Isn't it interesting that you, a retired space cadet, still get top secret/classified reports from the IGCSAIPAFPR? I believe our case agianst you is solid, Mr. Walrus


Mr. Chipperson,

I sir, am aghast that you would represent such a dastardly and proven criminal. Not only is he currently a wanted fugitive for his escape from prison, but the evidence against him for the murder of The Midnight Viagra is irrefutable. As for my correspondence with the IGCSAIPAFPR, as the former senior officer of their intergalactic law enforcement division, I am entitled to receive highly classified bulletines from them even in retirement if I so choose. In regards to your legal threat I must ask you a question. Have you ever heard of the dynamic legal team of Edward, Duff, & Cochran? If not then surely you have at least heard of Johnny "The Ebony Hammer" Cochran. Surely you wouldn't dare to square off against the likes of him, but if you'd like to try it then I say bring it on, sir. Just be prepared to be sent home wailing like the spoiled little whelps you are. You sir, are a disgrace to our sacred legal system.

Until the day when I can publicly spank you in court,
This is Captain Walrus signing off!

P.S.- It is patently absurd that you should demand that I confess to the murder of an individual who you are currently representing and threatening to take me to court against. Though, if that is any indication of your potency in the courtroom, perhaps i won't even need to bother with representation.

Evil Has a New Face, Chiseled and Greek

Faithful cadets, you may have noticed that I have made a few graphical changes to my Cosmos of Love. I've done this as a direct result of new intelligence that I have received from the IGCSAIPAFPR. It seems that yet again the nefarious Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee has tried to throw the proverbial monkey wrench into the well oiled gears of justice. He was allegedly spotted at a cosmetic surgery clinic on Plastos11, and when he re-emerged he had a striking resemblance to a Greek singing sensation from planet Earth known for thrilling millions of elderly women and mental invalids. So, Faithful cadets, be on the look out for anyone who looks remotely similar to the evil doctor's new appearance. Take no chances! He is considered armed and extremely dangerous! If you happen to spot him waste no time with questions or idle chitchat. Beat him long and hard until he is dead and bleeding. Be ever vigilant my faithful cadets, and who knows, maybe some day soon I will rejoin you in the battle against intergalactic villainy.

But, until next time,
This is Captain Walrus signing off!