Intoxication, The Green Fairy, and the Preserved Head of AL Franken in a Jar

Faithful Cadets, first I must apologize for my last post. I was extremely depressed that night having been shot down by a buxom young beauty in my favorite Parisian night spot L'Homme D'Allaitement Obèse De Tortue, and I had been dabbling a bit too much with the green fairy (no not the Great Gazoo) I'm speaking, of course, of absinthe that wonderful drink that was known to make certain notable 19th century artists cut off their ears and sell them to prostitutes. In any case I assure you all that from now on I'll be clean and sober when making all posts in the future. On a lighter note you may remember that I made an appearance with Al Franken a little while back. Well I've finally got that transcript for you. Here it is, enjoy!




Al: Welcome back to the Al Franken Show here on Air America Radio. I'm sure that many of you are aware of the recent controversy surrounding the death of umm... uhh... Captain Bosworth... *rumaging through papers* geez, what's his name? Shirtstain? Bosworth J. Shirtstain? What kind of a name is that? I'll be honest, I don't really even know who the guy was... some kind of space hero or something. Anyway, I DO, however, know the name of our next guest... the famed space legend Captain Walrus. Welcome to the show Captain.

Me: Glad to be here Al.

Al: So tell me... what are you wearing?

Me: A negligee Al, and black stockings that would make your SNL alumnus mouth water like it would if I presented you with a platter full of pure Colombian cocaine!

Al: Oooh, you're making me jump out of my jar!

Me: ha, ha

Al: So, Captain... tell me... what's going on? Who is this Bosworth Shirtstain guy, and why is Bill O'Liely and Stan Marino trying to destroy you?

Me: Well Al, it boils down to this: hero envy. Stan "The Can" Marino recently outed as Zander Schloss former bass player for the horrible punk band The Circle Jerks wanted to take away from me the notoriety and adoration that he never had, because his band never made it big. Bottom line.

Al: And what about Bill "I Hate the Pope" O'Liely?

Me: *chuckles* Well he just hates anyone born with the gifts of logic and reason. Tell him anything other than what he wants to hear and he's liable to start a witch hunt against you.

Al: Or sexually harass you.

Me: *laughs* Too true.

Al: But seriously, don't you think that it goes deeper than that?

Me: I'm not following.....

Al: What I mean to say is, obviously someone as astute as you must surely see that it has all the earmarks of rightwing conspiracy. A conspiracy that goes all the way to the top.

Me: I'm still not quite with you....I mean I don't think...

Al: Come on man! Dirge W. Boosche! Obviously he's the mastermind!

Me: The Emperor? What would he have against me? I mean, yeah I don't like him but I've never even met him.

Al: C'mon Captain, it's clear as day. He hates the Pope just like O'reilly!

Me: And?

Al: And....Isn't it true that Pope Chuck II married you at 23 of your weddings including your most recent one, AND that he's a close personal friend?

Me: Well yeah....but if that's the case, why doesn't he just have the Pope executed, he is the emperor of the universe after all, and how does Stan Marino fit in?

Al: Well I'm sorry but that's all the time we have! Thanks for being on the show, Captain Walrus and don't be a stranger!

Me: Uh.... thanks. I won't


And that's all. Worth the wait wasn't it? Well....

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

The Unbearable Futility of Being

Faithful cadets, I'm sure you've been waiting with baited breath to see the transcript of my interview with Sir Albert Franken. Yes? Well too bad! I'll get to it when I do! If I do, for that matter. I just have a simple question to pose to all of you. What's the fucking point of it all? Why do we trudge through our trifle existences with some erroneous notion that it has any kind of meaning at all? Because I'm here to tell you faithful cadets that it has no meaning at all. None. Some may say that our purpose is to perpetuate the species, to create the next generation and blah blah blah...... Why? So they can grow up and reallize that they too are part of a vicious wheel of futility? No thanks! I've been called a ruthless bastard a time or two, but I'm not so ruthless as to subject anyone to that same desperate feeling of worthlessness. And if that is our sole purpose, then what about those poor bastards that will never have a chance to further the species because no one of the opposite sex will give them the time of day? Should they not just be culled at birth to save themselves the agony of lonliness? As you can probably tell my faithful cadets I've had one too many drinky drinkies this evening, but it's frustrating when you're as brave a hero as I am and you are in a building filled with beautiful ladies and they look right past you as if you're nobody. Nobody! I'm the greatest hero the universe has ever known and I don't even exist to them! Some of them might not even be here if my heroic exploits hadn't saved their planet from certain destruction, but do I get any thanks? No! "You're Captain Who of the What?" they always reply, and it's utter bull shit! I'm sure Stan "The Scam" Marino and his cronies will have a field day with this post, but you know what? Stan "The Can" Marino can screw his whore mother! I simply don't care! Bring on whatever false charges you want you lying bastard son of a muzak composer! I will be proven innocent in the end. Sometimes I think the Ole Cap'n got it right when he offed himself........

Until a more sober and collected time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

PS: And Moscow Karl, you can go screw yourself, your whore mother, and that communist tripe you unsuccessfully try to masquerade as coffee. I'll be glad when I have the use of my own computer again!

When You Hijack a Hero's Estate, You Have Deep Pockets Indeed

Faithful cadets, I can only conclude Stan "The Scam" Marino must be spending every cent that he stole from the good Cap'n on his attempt to frame me for Bosworth's death. Today the United States FBI, who I might add has no jurisdiction in the Gawndorff System where I currently reside, conducted the third surprise raid on my beloved PMS Arthritic Badger. This time they brought 3 consultants, who they said were invaluable at "finding new evidence that may not have otherwise been obvious before". On a more positive note, later this evening I will be making my highly anticipated appearance on Air America where I will be giving my official media statements to that bastion of unbiased journalism Al Franken. For those of you who will not be able to tune in, I will be posting the transcript and photos here on my Cosmos of love.

Until then,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!



John Ashcroft, Newt Gingrich, and the floating head of J. Edgar Hoover (All of whom share fashion tips) instruct their G men on the most discreet way to find new evidence in their own pockets and make it work against me.

Contrary To Popular Belief, I Don't Kill Friends.

Faithful cadets, as I'm sure you've seen all over the media there is some speculation that I may have been responsible for the death of Cap'n Shrimpstain. Well we all know that it's just not true. It's all a horrible story made up by that lovable dickweed Stan "The Can" Marino. You may have seen him spewing his bullshit with the master of bullshit on the "Oh Really? Factor" recently, but we all know only morons take that show seriously. The authorities have not found and will not find anything incriminating, and very soon this whole thing will blow over. You may also notice a new feature on all of my posts. Since the feds are currently in possession of my computer, I'm forced to do all of my posting at Moscow Karl's Internet Cafe, and because of this their advertisement banner automatically shows at the bottom of all of my posts. It's a nuisance, but it's a necessary one for now.

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!

Celebrity Siblings With Compensation Issues

Faithful cadets, here's proof that the newspapers will gobble up anything that's fed to them by a second rate brother of a quarterback. The newest issue of the New York Times features a ridiculously overblown and completely fictious story claiming that I, the heroic protector of the cosmos, was some how involved with the mysterious death of my friend, colleague, and mentor Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain. I don't think that I have to tell you that I had nothing at all to do with the poor Cap'n's death, and I must go for now, as one of the FBI agents conducting the surprise raid of my beloved PMS Arthritic Badger has stated that he needs to seize the computer on which I am now typing. Rest assured, though, I will get to the bottom of this, and my good name will once again be cleared.

Until then,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!



I know you're behind this Stan "The Can" Marino, and I will rectify the situation.

A Glimmer of Hope? A Fallen Hero Returns? Villainy Afoot?

Faithful cadets, what follows is a message i recently received from the Captain Bosworth J. Shrimpstain Estate, entitled "URGENT!"

I feel it's time to break the silence and that you have been kept in the dark for far too long. A few months ago the Intergalactic Space Association picked up a faint distress call from a "Boseefus T. Shrimpnsack". This signal, only about 15 seconds in length, described a kidnapping by a Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee. Those who are familiar with the history of Cap'n Shrimpstain know that he used the name "Boseefus T. Shrimnsack" as an alias during the Ranch Dressing Wars of two decades ago (in which rival salad dressing producers upgraded from aggressive advertising techniques, to assault rifles and land mines). We know nothing further at this point and have received no new information regarding this Shrimnsack's whereabouts. What is known is that Cap'n Shrimpstain's body was never found by any of his relatives and friends. The official story was that he was "cremated", so we at the Cap'n Shrimpstain Memorial Society are rather suspicious. We'll keep you posted.

sincerely,

Stan "The Can" Marino (Representative of the Shrimpstain Estate and blacksheep member of the Marino family)

Rest assured, faithful cadets I intend to investigate this fully and will keep you posted on any developments.

Until next time,

This is Captain Walrus signing off!!!

Bursting From the Ashes of Depression Like a Blazing Phoenix of Non-Depression

Faithful Cadets, at long last I have returned glorious and triumphant! Long has it been since my last post, about 13 lifecycles of the mugwumps of Burroughsia by my count (about 5 Earth months), and so much has happened since then. Some of it you know about: the deaths of both Captain Bosworth Shrimpstain and the Midnight Viagra, galant heroes cut down in their prime, and The legal battle with my long time arch nemesis the nefarious Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee, which as you will see was the start of the long exile from my beloved Cosmos of Love. To make a long story short I was accused and, due to the mysterious death of my unstoppable lawyer of steel Johnnie "Shrinking Glove" Cochran, subsequently convicted of both slander and lible against the evil doctor and forced to pay an amount of money beyond my means. I was emotionally and financially destitute. Once the money was gone it didn't take long for that money grubbing whore Taffy Hodboddy to pack her bags and scamper off like an Aardrosian musk gopher to a greener lettuce patch. I was forced into fast food servitude just to make ends meet, and susequently became a Subway Sandwich Artist. That was 4 weeks of humble pie served cold with curdled milk that i never want to experience again. It ultimately culminated in my termination resulting from my bludgeoning to death an elderly woman with a foot long chicken bacon ranch on honey oat bread with pepper jack cheese, all the veggies except bell peppers, and oil, with creamy Italian and ranch dressing. I spent many long weeks wallowing in the refuse strewn about my beloved PMS Arthritic Badger, and the refuse strewn about my battered psyche with nothing but the soothing nectar that is George Dickel's Genuine Tennessee whisky(thank you Haiku Master!) to keep me warm. Ahhh George Dickel, that bastard Jack Daniel stole your thunder and glory, but one day we shall rise up and take it back!!!! We shall take it back...... Anyway while i was wallowing in my stye of drunkenness and self loathing i stumbled across a sagely tome that turned my life around. It's called Dr. Chef Waldo FlortzblarggenMcgaffdonkin-Yang's 87 Ways to Prepare Molding Shag Donkeys and How to pull Yourself Out of a Deep Selfloathing Depression and Once Again Fight to Rid the Universe of Tyrrany and Injustice: Pocket Edition.
And now thanks to the teachings and delicious recipes of Dr. Chef Waldo FlortzblarggenMcgaffdonkin-Yang I am now on the fast track to recovery and am ready to jump back into the frey as they say and hunt down the scourge that is Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee and fight against injustice in memory of my friends, mentors, and esteemed colleagues Cap'n Shrimpstain and The Midnight Viagra! So.....

Until next time

This is Captain Walrus signing off!!!