Every Knight Needs A Galant Steed

Faithful cadets, while reading my good friend Cap'n Shrimpstain's recent post about his beloved SS Steamed Zucchini I couldn't help but reflect on all of the wonderful adventures I've had on my own ship the amazing PMS Arthritic Badger. Perhaps the most feared vessel cruising the cosmos, the PMS Arthritic Badger has been my faithful companion on my mission to stamp out evil across the galaxy for nearly 60 years. She's got two of the most powerful engines in the known galaxy giving her a max speed of warp 25 which is double the top speed of any of her closest rivals. She's got 6 double barreled Scandozian plasma blasters hidden within her wings, a modified high impact Grosturian pulse cannon within her nose cone, and as if that isn't enough she can also re-arrange her physical structure to become her ultimate fighting robot form that can destroy 19 planets with but a single blast from her Eldulon ionic pulse walker. The PMS Arthritic Badger is dear to my heart and i love her more than i loved any of my 37 exwives especially my latest, Milly. May a swarm of Grontorian lactating crickets devour her face, the two timing Spondurian slave whore!
Below are a few pictures of my beautiful baby. This is Captain Walrus signing off!

Her unstoppable robot form, a sight no criminal ever wants to see.

Isn't she beautiful? 

Farewell To a Friend, and Things Remembered

Faithful cadets, today was yet another in a succession of difficult days. I attended the funeral of our dearly departed friend The Midnight Viagra. Being there today moved me beyond description, and seeing him lying there in that casket looking so vulnerable and at peace brought forth a deluge of fond memories: The day we first crossed paths at the annual IGCSAIPAFPR mass execution / clam bake, the time we saved Qandzar4 from total global apocolyptic warfare by showing old reruns of the Christopher Lowell Show, the time I was assisting The Howling Vulva with a slight wardrobe malfunction without the use of my hands, and he discovered us and chased me into the street brandishing a frozed ham shank, and of course the time when we took that White Snake cd and told that paraplegic kid that it was a magical Yigtorian healing disc and threw it into the deep end of his swimming pool.......ah those were magical times.
As I gazed into the angelic face of my old friend and mentor, and thought of how cruelly he had been cut down in his prime by our mutual arch nemesis the dastardly Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee, I began to feel that old familiar fire withinin my chest, that all consuming flame that signalled that it was time to take my heart medication, but I also felt that long forgotten call to right wrongs and avenge the innocent. Could this old hero be taking his cape out of mothballs and once again be fighting for truth and virtue? I'll have to mull it all over. There are just so many things to think about right now. So we shall see faithful cadets, the PMS Arthritic Badger may once again fly galantly into battle, but for now this is Captain Walrus signing off!

So tender, so at peace....... 

Sinister News, The Plot Thickens, And Evil Resurfaces

Faithful Cadets, so much has happened in the last couple of days, and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse trouble has reared it's ugly head again like an Aukturian pulsating musk weasel. It seems that the untimely death of our beloved Midnight Viagra was no accident. According to a recent press release from the IGCSAIPAFPR moments before our beloved hero was found dead in his apartment none other than the nefarious Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee and his gang of evil 1970's lounge musicians escaped from George W. Bush Memorial Maximum Security Prison for the Intergalactic Criminally Insane in Albequrque, New Mexico. His second in command, Percy "Kitten Squeezer" Flannigan known for his distinctive smile and for wearing the group's logo Candace the Mentsruating Panda on the opposite lapel, was seen at a nearby Petco shortly after the escape purchasing several sharp toothed Svendorian skreets. Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee has had a long standing rivalry with The Midnight Viagra over the recently widowed Howling Vulva who it seems had spurned the evil doctor's romantic advances in favor of the more potent Midnight Viagra. Angry and jealous at The Howling Vulva's preference for infinite stamina and endurance Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee swore that he would one day exact his revenge on The Midnight Viagra, and my faithful cadets, it looks as if he's finally followed through with his threat. The murder of The Midnight Viagra is but the most recent of the attrocities commited by these dispicable criminals his other crimes include: the attempted assassination of Skippy the paraplegic dolphin host of "Skippy's Numb Flippers Comedy Hour", tripping elderly people and stealing their dentures, masturbating in public with figurines of Jesus and Dr. Freud, both inserted anally, beating a park ranger to death with wooden statuettes of Smokey the Bear, stepping into the street with the intent of jay walking, holding an elderly shaved yak for ransom, and exposing their genitalia live on Sesame Street. These criminals will stop at nothing to cause chaos in the galaxy, and we must work together to stop them! I have posted their image below. This is Captain Walrus signing off!

PS: We're still gonna stop that duck thing too.

Vengence will be mine Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee

A Dark Day Indeed

Faithful cadets, It is a very dark hour in the world of superheroes, and the universe has lost a great ally. One of the greatest heroes of all time and my personal idol and mentor The Midnight Viagra has been found dead in his apartment from an apparent sharp toothed Svendorian skreet bite. Best known for dealing his "4 hour dose of stiff justice" The Midnight Viagra was a god among heroes, and will be sorely missed. He is survived by his wife The Howling Vulva, and two sons Chip Fantastic Boy Dynamo and Milton. Memorial services will be held on Wednesday at St. Gorlabb the Incontinent's Cathedral at 4:30pm Skarlakkian time. Drinks will be served but you must bring your own mucus oozing flurg cubes. Perhaps in the morning I will recount one of my many adventures with The Midnight Viagra, but right now I'm too tired and too emotionally taxed. This is Captain Walrus signing off and bidding a fond farewell to our fallen friend.

Oh God I need some propane........

The Midnight Viagra, God rest his soul

Now he's dealing a 4 hour dose of stiff justice to Jesus. God speed Midnight Viagra. God speed.

Things Best Forgotten

Faithful cadets, some of of you may or may not know that I've done some things in my past that I'm not exactly proud of, and recently one of you has been incredibly insistant that I reveal to you all one of the things that I'm most ashamed of. As you all know I've starred in numerous epic motion pictures that are known and loved by millions, but there was a point in my life when I participated in some projects that didn't quite make it into the mainstream. One of these films "Superhuman American Ass Patrol 17" or more specifically the character I played Admiral Red White and Blueballs is the topic of this post. Thankfully the film itself has long since been destroyed, but I do have one surviving photograph from my audition and I'm posting it here so hopefully we can put this whole issue to rest.......

Here it Is. Now Please Leave Me Alone About it.......

Me as Admiral Red White and Blueballs

Dissention in the Ranks

Faithful cadets, recently it has come to my attention that an air of dissention and discontent has fallen upon some of you. We cannot have this. It is not the way of the Walrus Cadet(tm). This, after all is the cosmos of love not hatred. So please, I ask you faithful cadets please put your petty differences aside, for we must all work together. Any disruption of order will not be tolerated, and all parties responsible will subsequently be fed to the three eyed spectacled snarling shrag beast. This is Captain Walrus signing off!

PS: If you have trouble with this rule and need inspiration, follow this link to one of my epic tales. I think it helped sort out a similar situation.

Urgent News From the IGCSAIPAFPR (The Intergalactic Crime Stoppers Association of the Interplanetary Affiliation of Federated Planetary Republics)

Faithful cadets, it always saddens me when a virtuous soul falls and turns to a life of crime. I have just received some urgent information from the IGCSAIPAFPR about just such an individual. Formerly known as the peace loving Dr. Quackmyre Von Dukkschitts the now notorious Evil Space Duck, his second in command Walter J. Pussyfuzz, and their murderous band of rabbit thugs have escaped from the maximum security penal sand mining colony on the barren desert planet of X Zeema. This band of criminals is wanted for countless offenses including, but certainly not limited to: premeditated theft of public lavatory equipment, unliscenced distilling of intoxicating spirits, gross endangerment of an elderly flying squirrel, bank robbery, unlawful solicitation of sexual favors to a political leader, bribing a librarian, assaulting countless school children with over sized novelty cowboy hats, and the rape of a 27 year old Welsh corgie named Pickles. These individuals should be considered armed and extremely dangerous, and with me having retired from the hero business, it's up to you, my faithful cadets, to be extra vigilant and prevent these fiends from raping any more innocent corgies. Here are the photographs i received from the IGCSAIPAFPR. They are displayed below

The Former Dr. Quackmyre Von Dukkschitts

The Evil Space Duck

Walter J. Pussyfuzz

Murderous Rabbit Thug #1

Murderous Rabbit Thug #2

First Post: News From the Heavens

Hello to everyone from your favorite obese space captain! I have just created my very own Cosmos of Love blog extravaganza! Over the years I've fought many an alien conquerer, saved countless planets, and rescued thousands of ruffled scradfunts from clutches of the evil Dr. Puddingchairpandamcgee, and it's been an amazing journey, but now I feel I must leave it all behind. The years of epic battling, endless heroics, and propane addiction have really taken their toll. So, faithful cadets, I've decided to retire to the civilian life and live life the way I've always wanted in peace and solitude. I've earned it haven't I? I mean wherever, there are children playing gayly on a beautiful summer day, wherever there are people living peacefully without the threat of war, wherever there are people eating Pizzaria Pretzel flavored Combos(tm) snacks and watching Vietnamese potbellied pig porn(tm) and not dying of malaria and bird flu it's all thanks to me. So here it is my Cosmos of Love! This is Captain Walrus of the Cosmos signing off! And remember faithful cadets never ever drink highly pressurized liquid propane. God hates propane addicts and he says so in the Bible.